I was on Elfwood and decided to make a journal entry just to post this awesome picture I found.

'Midnight Palace' by Renee Heitman

I got my ear pierced today, only got the two done since the incompetent lady not only messed up three times, but had to push one earring through manually and when she said she was having trouble with the third one I just decided to do it later.

oh and I went to elfwood because I noticed I hadn't put any pictures up in awhile and the artist I found just blew me away so a bunch of her pictures are going up after this.

Um Thomas lied to me again, I don't know why he feels he can never tell the truth. He's so paranoid and so sensitive that you can't say anything to him without a big fight ensuing. I love him so much but I don't know I'm getting so tired of the constant fighting and the constant reminders that he's not the movie star dream guy that I apparently want.


I want Alex back, more than anything, he was always there when I needed someone to really talk to, he showed up like a miracle at TimberCreek to give me courage against Paul when I needed it, and he showed up right when I needed to be told that it was over with him. He's about a foot shorter than me but he was always looking out for me just as I did for him. My parents miss him too, they constantly ask about him, he's still the only guy my dad really liked.

I miss him so much

later days
Steph



Elfin Tears


Wizard's Journey


Red Velvet

I've seen that movie a hundred millino times and once again I have stayed up half the night just to watch in on TV. Which sucks because now I have to get up in six hours to take my drving test. OH well it's easy

I've been watching Angel alot lately, seeing as I got it for Christmas. I know I always fall in love with the guys in the movies or tv shows, but Angel is different. I've always had a thing for the dark mysterious guys, and then Angel is strong, something most girls feel they need evolutionary pyschologists believe it's because women inately want someone able to take care of them and their offspring. Sigh that's why I shouldnt' be in pyscology.

But I don't know, I know I'll never find a guy like Angel, I'll never find someone who's smart and into the things I am, after watching most of the episodes I realize how many of the same interests we have it's slightly frightening

I mean this is more than my Jason Behr obsession that was just well wrong on so many levels

I don't know I mean right now I have Thomas, he's sweet, and we don't have any of the same interests, he's not the brightest guy in the world but he gets by and then he's not very strong the delusions of being beat up better than fighting back. Sigh I promised myself I would never date a guy I could beat up

Another bad thing is that I've been thinking of Al alot lately, more than I usually do and I miss him so much it feels like it's eating me alive. Everytime I talk to him its' like he's losing more of himself, he's more depressed and isolated and it's usually months or a year before I talk to him again. I can't stand constantly worrying about him, thinking about all the fun we had about everthing he's been through... I dont' know I think I'm finally starting to lose my mind.

Cela came over for the night yesturday we watched twelve hours of Angel, including the episode where Doyle dies and the one where Wesley pretends to be Angel.

Why did Doyle have to die??!?!?!


peace out all

steph

I don't know Tessa told me to do this little thing, she saw my survey earlier, which I usualy hate and only did because I was really bored and now I regret because it has gotten me into this sort of trouble. She says I have trouble sharing my feelings but I guess I'm like Angel

"I don't want to open up, I don't want to talk about my feelings, I want to find the guy that killed Tina, I want to look him in the eye and then I'm going to share my feelings"

That's parallel structure by the way which reminds me DAMN AP ENGLISH LANGUAGE!!!

anyway here's the horror after this there's an entry about Angel and how much I miss Thomas and the drug I just seriously overdosed on

LAYER ONE:
-- name: Steph
-- birthplace: Bristol, Tenn
-- current Location: Orlando, Florida
-- eye color: Blue
-- hair color: reddish blond yeah
-- height: 5'7".
-- righty or lefty: right-handed.
-- zodiac sign: Scorpio
LAYER TWO:
-- your heritage: German, Polish, Swedish, Irish
-- the shoes you wore today: none yet
-- your weakness: Angel, Roswell, Dana Carvey, and puppies definately puppies
-- your fears: spiders, ironically death, hospitals I've spent enough time in them to be afraid
-- goal you'd like to achieve: I don't like to set goals, I merely dream about what's possible if I live

LAYER THREE:
-- your thoughts first waking up: damn still alive, I need to more sleep
-- your bedtime: 11 for school not at all for weekends
-- your most missed memory: hanging out with Alex and Cela at the movies before he lost it, when he used to be obsessed with his little vampire teeth and changing his hair color every week -a million tears for the brother I have lost-

LAYER FOUR:
-- pepsi or coke: Pepsi sadly due to parently obsession I don't like regular that much
-- mcdonald's or burger king: Burger King
-- single or group dates: single.
-- adidas or nike: dont' care
-- lipton ice tea or nestea: I hate TEA
-- chocolate or vanilla: vanilla.
-- cappuccino or coffee: Cappuccino

LAYER FIVE:
-- smoke:a few times
-- cuss: often.
-- sing: not well
-- take a shower everyday: uhhh yeah
-- have a crush: yeah
-- do you think you've been in love: I don't know
-- want to go to college: Yes
-- like(d) high school: Nope
-- want to get married: Yes
-- believe in yourself: Nope.
-- get motion sickness: sometimes in the car when I have a headache or haven't eaten
-- think you're attractive: Not one Bit
-- think you're a health freak:no....
-- get along with your parent(s): hehe sure
-- like thunderstorms: yes fun to watch the fury of nature and Hell unfold
-- play an instrument: piano, ocarina, and bassoon and violin for a few periods of time

LAYER SIX:
in the past month...
-- drank alcohol: yep
-- smoked: I refuse to answer on the grounds Thomas may Kill me
-- done a drug: Yea
-- had sex: No, I don't quite plan to a goal since childhood to not do that without a wedding ring
-- made out: Yes.
-- gone on a date: Yes
-- gone to the mall?: Yes
-- eaten an entire box of oreos: no
-- eaten sushi: YUCK
-- been on stage: no
-- been dumped: no
-- gone skating: no
-- made homemade cookies: Yep Christmas cookies
-- gone skinnydipping: uhhhhh no
-- dyed your hair: Yes
-- stolen anything: Nope.

LAYER SEVEN:
ever...
-- played a game that required removal of clothing: no
-- if so, was it mixed company:
-- been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yes
-- been caught "doing something": no
-- been called a tease: Oh yeah
-- gotten beaten up: Once or Twice -shudder- Luckily I know a guy who does a good patch job
-- shoplifted: yes
-- changed who you were to fit in: never.

LAYER EIGHT:
-- age you hope to be married: mid to late twenties.
-- numbers and names of children: dunno...
-- describe your dream wedding: hehe who knows
-- how do you want to die: still going with murder, though it'll probably be in some hospital bed
-- where you want to go to college: Brown
-- what do you want to be when you grow up: Cali
-- what country(place) would you most like to visit: I hope to go on a cruise this summer, through Spain, Greece and Italy we were going to take it last year then my mom got sick

LAYER NINE:
in a guy/girl..
-- best eye color? Green
-- best hair color? Dark
-- short or long hair: short
-- height: nice and tall
-- best weight: ....
-- best articles of clothing: sigh Angel clothes lol
-- best first date location: beach
-- best first kiss location: In the Rain lol

LAYER TEN:(in your life)
-- # of drugs taken illegally: 4
-- # of people i could trust with my life: 0
-- # of CDs that i own: Enough
-- # of piercings: 2 but I hope to get seven more
-- # of tattoos: eventually
-- # of scars on my body: lots
-- # of things in my past that i regret: lots

Full name: Stephanie Emma Musculus


2 Date and place of birth:
Bristol, Tennessee

3 Height and weight:
Don't know anymore

4 Colour of eyes:
Blue

5 Family:
umm don't wanna go there

6 Status:
Still going

7 Pets:
dog, llamas and hamsters

8 Distinguishing marks:
plenty of scars the suicide ones are the only really interesting ones. Though my stab scar is cool, how many people get stabbed with a plastic knife?

9 Favourite pop band:
As IF!

10 Favourite band with instruments:
NUFAN

11 Favourite song:

Prida
12 What was the first poster you put on your wall?
Probably something disney or with gay unicorns, I had a pink and white room with a unicorn border, any wonders why I'm screwed up now?

13 First memory:
umm breaking my leg or really my mother dropping me and breaking my leg

14 First record you bought:
probably some disney soundtrack

15 Favourite cartoon character:
hmmmmm GIR!!!!

16 Favourite catchphrase:
I love you Piggy!!!!

17 Teacher you had a crush on:
Phillips?? (AHHHHHHH RUN FOR THE HILLS!! Now an actually crush on a teacher would be gross, as it Thomas' obsession with Krauss)

18 Favourite body part:
awww heck how about an eyeball the right one my left one is mean it hides my shoes

19 Favourite part of the opposite sex:
hehe lets just leave this one blank shall we?

20 What disappoints you most about the opposite sex?
heh they're male need I say more?

21 If you could pass a new law what would it be?
ALL Males shall be shot on sight

22 Were you cool at school?
Thank God no

23 Most snogs in one night:
not going there

24 What makes you laugh?
anything with five legs and green horns

25 What makes you cry?
life

26 Favourite pizza topping:
pepperoni

27 Favourite sandwich filling:
salomi

28 Secret ambition:
uhhhh write a book

29 Ever broken the law?
yep

30 What8217;s the most you8217;ve spent on an item of clothing?
two hundred dollars

31 Who could you have in a fight?
pfff who wouldn't I have

32 What would you ban?
glasses

33 What8217;s your idea of happiness?
being happy pretty much

34 Greatest fear:
spiders

35 Greatest extravagance:

class ring?

36 How would you like to die?
ah being murdered would be cool

37 What is your motto?
Life Sucks- Beat the shit out of it till you get your money back -- Al used to kill me for saying that so much

38 Favourite journey:
Paris

39 Who is the love of your life?
I'll let you know when I find out

40 What would you change about yourself?
ah everything

41 What qualities do you most value in a friend?
ah hey pretty much just someone who's fun

42 If you could come back from the dead what would you be?
a ghost

43 What8217;s under your bed?
I'm too afraid to look under there anymore

44 Most treasured possession:
my puppy!

45 Quote a line of poetry:
Much sense the starkest maddness.
'T is the majority
In this, as all, prevails
Assent, and you are sane

46 Do you own patterned socks?
yes

47 Do you believe in aliens?
yeppers

48 Are you a driver or a map-reader?
driver

49 What are you obsessed with?
ANGEL

50 Favourite smell:
uhhh cookie dough

51 What8217;s the most expensive thing you8217;ve ever bought?
my car

52 Favourite breed of dog:
I like em all

53 What8217;s the last thing you laughed at?
my parents

54 Favourite mountain range:
Rockies

55 Colour of curtains:
Black

56 When did you last cry?
hehe no

57 I8217;ve always wanted to8230;
run away

58 Last thing I cooked was8230;
chicken pasta

59 Fave word beginning with Q:
qwerty

60 Least favourite group:
Bright Eyes

61 Number of school detentions:
2

62 What do you think about most often?
death

63 What book are you reading?
East of Eden

64 What8217;s the best present you8217;ve ever been given?
My puppy

65 What would you die if anyone knew?
nothing really

66 Favourite expression:
haven't I been asked this already?

67 Least fave household chore:
umm dishes

68 What colour underwear are you wearing?
surprisingly green

69 What shampoo do you use?
don't know

70 Favourite sweet:
cheese bear claws

71 If curiosity killed the cat, what happened to the dog?
ate teh cat

72 Favourite Disney film:
Pirates of the Caribbean

73 Favourite place:
anywhere but here

74 What8217;s the best advice you8217;ve ever been given?
If you're gonna commit suicide do it right (hehe Andrew Perez told me that last year, or really something like it)

75 Favourite thing about where you live:
Lake, or Llamas

76 Favourite movie:
ack I don't know

77 Favourite film star:
ummm don't know

78 Male or female company?
male

79 What sport are you best at?
Tennis

80 What8217;s the best room in your house?
Mine

81 What8217;s the longest you8217;ve spent getting ready for a night out?
three hours - homecoming

82 What are the worst lyrics you8217;ve ever heard?
anythign Bright Eyes

83 Who is your hero?
Angel lol

84 Nickname:
Dev

85 Star sign:
Scorpio

86 Favourite colour:
Black

87 In trouble at school for:
umm, graffiti, beating up someone, other things

88 Turn-ons:
hehe not going there

89 Favourite sport to watch:
they're all boring

90 Favourite sport to play:
none

91 Worst moment at school:
uhhh probably getting caught doing the graffiti that wasn't fun

92 Favourite possession:
uhhhh my candles

93 Best moment at school:
uhhh winning the reflections contest

94 Favourite solo artist:
none

95 Worst subject at school:
Science

96 Where do you buy your clothes?
Here and there

97 What was the latest message you sent?
hi

98 Who is your best friend?
Cela

99 What kind of food do you like?
very few

100 Favourite holiday destination:
Michigan

101 What is your favourite drink?
Pina Coladas

102 How do you relax?

I don't

yeah I'm bored tonight and I've had a hangover all day my parents shouldn't keep so much beer in the house

Fucking simple life. It's what everyone wishes for, I have it, I've always had. Been daddy's little goddamn rich girl. But I must be some kind of spoiled brat because it's not fucking good enough I don't want it.

I don't want my grades to be so damn easy I make it hard, I got tired of the fucking perfect report card in middle school I actually work to keep from getting them now. It's hard work telling myself not to turn in assignments I had done before school got out the day it was fucking assigned. It's all so goddamn easy I HATE IT!

I am in AP and it's too damn easy it's not even a fucking challenge I have to force myself to forget all the stupid ideals ingrained in my head to keep my shit assignments and not turn them in so I can at least get B's. Can't do it on tests though no I try, they've brain washed me too much for that I can't even force myself to get C's, and even when I do get a B I have to do the damned test buyback so I can get an A.

I'm tired of everything being so EASY. I've never had to work for anything in my life! I remember crying my eyes out in elementary school because I got less than a one hundred on a test. Fucking gifted classes and I start crying when I get a damned 98!!

But hey then along comes lmy savior, Paul sure made things interesting didn't he? Life went to shit when he was around, made he liked to make his life Hell more than I did, though he did quite a number on me. I mean come on I was having actual disagreements with my folks, I think they nearly had a hard attack when there was actually something to yell at me about. A brief break from yelling at my brother.

Then the asshole thought he had a say in what went on in my life that he was actually in control. It was fun while it lasted but when a scrawny little punk like that tries to get something from me, that's when he's just got to go. Hey he was good for a laugh, I mean because of him I got to listen to Asha go on and on about how we were meant for each other and that we would last forever. I wonder if that before or after she started assuming I was sleeping with him that she came upon that bullshit conclusion.

So now with the exception of failing my driving test something I'll have no trouble passing next week my life is fucking perfect again and I don't like it. Maybe I'll drive my car off a fucking cliff and make things intresting again

peace everyone

(who did I get that damned saying from?)

Merry Christmas!!!

---

Okay hi everyone it's Christmas and I got to spend it with Thomas!!! By far the best present I got.

My cousins and aunt and uncle were also over explaining the showing of the rugrats movies and freaky friday.

But that was all good because I got the first two seasons of Angel on dvd and forced Thomas to watch the pilot

We also went to Universal to see Paycheck and walk around Citywalk

It was all pretty cool but now my back hurts and I feel like watch Pirates of the Caribbean.

Peace out all!

Monday morning you woke up crying
The outcome of a stupid line oh-oh
Said by some punk-ass on the street
It wasn't me, it wasn't you
It wasn't anybody you knew is it
Your old friend insecurity?

The one companion that stuck by your side since you were born

Tuesday night you were in a fight
The same old argument black and white
It's something that's eating your inside
It's not the food, it's not the booze
It isn't anything consumed so is it
becoming a problem you can't hide?

So every time you thought that you were wrong you were right

The devil on your shoulder gives you strenght in paranoia
The countless times you called a few
Your best friend till the end of time
They'll always be there by your side
Solidify conditions you've abused
What that means you'll never have a clue

More than just a life long friend
No social life I guess we can pretend
It's not like I care but anyway
You always wanna leave, you never wanna stay
Cause you think if you drink too much then you will lose it
You'll drink your security away

The one companion that stuck by your side since you were born

The little voice inside your head, annoying and confusing
That somehow tells you what to do
Socially you've lost your mind and basically you're out of time
You try to build so much it breaks on you
What that means you'll never have a clue

I'm blowing bubbles!!!
fly little bubbles I love you bubbles
so shiny and floaty
Bubbly Bubbles

Okay here's the facts so far

Got up at 5:30

Helped my grandmother and everyone else leave while commencing in all of the ritual getting ready for school things

They leave

I spend the next half hour desperately searching for my shoes

They have gone missing

I looked in all of their usual hiding spots

They're not in the closet
by the couch
in the kitchen (hehe they likes to trip people)
in either of my bedrooms
in the theater

I've looked everywhere but the big brother's room
I think my boots have a crush on his sneakers

I don't like sneakers
They're so not cool, they think they're all that
and they're arrogant

But not my cool evil black sneakers
well yes they are
but they're evil too so it's ok

Evil is always ok

My family doesn't want me

Thomas can't be here when I need him

My friends I can't depend on

I have no one no longer

nothing