Well it's been ok I guess.Cel's birthday, which isn't as much fun as it used to be. I don't know what to think anymore we grow further apart by the day but then other times it seems as if nothing has changed. I don't know what to do anymore.

Granted I could dael with having no one but Thomas by my side but really, I can't bear the thought of losing someone I've known for so long, not after losing my Alex. Nothing will ever get me over that, I'm tired of always wondering if he's alive or dead. He was everything to me, the first person I knew I could count on for anything, and the first person whom I was willing to tell anything, a feat which has only been matched by Thomas. I don't really know why Alex came to mind, but I just feel overwhelming saddness when I think about my Al and everything he went through and is going through. But then there is always that smile whenever I think of how he was the only guy my father ever approved of.

Um in other news, Thomas is still my life and everything to me. My parents are really getting used to him, and I love my mother for letting him over yesturday. I needed that time with him, I hate this feeling that I can't be there for him like I should. Just that I don't always know what to say or I think of it much too late... I don't know if I'll ever be good at this caring for someone, the whole I don't feel someone cares about me unless they feel pain over me. I don't know where the Hell that came from but I really hate it, sometimes I don't know if I get so upset because I am sad or if I just want to worry Thomas. I know he loves me and I don't understand why I feel the need to do that to him, he doesn't deserve that.

gah I'm sorry for the rant, just needed to let a few things out of my head

love and peace
Dev